The Playpen

Are all mothers of preemie babies as scared as I am? Does your mind go back and forth about having another child one day and the next, absolutely not?

Almost three years later I still feel anxiety at the thought of getting pregnant and having another preemie. Will it happen again?

I am so satisfied and proud of my little girl, Frankie. But sometimes I watch her run around the house looking for things to do, I wonder if she’s bored. She would really benefit from having a sibling I think to myself. They’d play together and Frankie will help raise her little brother or sister.

I was diagnosed with preeclampsia at exactly 32 weeks into my pregnancy. Fours days later our daughter was born via emergency C-section rendering our lives from dreamy happiness to terrified stupor. We had absolutely no idea what to do, how to feel and what was going to happen next. It took me an entire year to get over what happened and the depression that followed. An entire year to calmly accept the occasional sneeze, cough and spit up without overreacting and feeling she was going to fall apart at any minute. And even now (as I’m writing this) nothing has taken away the unexpected tears that rush out of me from nowhere at a single memory, or thought, even a smell that brings me back to the beginning days of Frankie’s arrival.

I generally don’t think of myself as being selfish. On the contrary, I’m known for my generosity and caring for others, down to a fault! But the way I feel about having another baby makes me feel selfish. Selfish for my daughter who possibly won’t know the joy of having a sibling and the memories she’ll grow to cherish from her childhood.

Am I emotionally not ready to accept the things we have no control over?

Or am I scarred for life?

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