After reading an amazing story written by Nicole Cann, the mother of Nicholas, born 100 days too early and weighing only a pound. She has released a documentary entitled “little man’, which tells their story.
Sometimes, with our daughter being almost three, I tend to push aside those emotions and fears associated with the early days of my daughter’s life – a typical male response, I think, to adversity and emotional trauma. However, Nicole’s heart-wrenching story not only caused those feelings to rise back to the surface in droves, but also got me thinking about the lives of the parents of preemies, and how they are affected not only by the birth of a premature child, but also on an ongoing basis. I have only been a father for three years, but I imagine I will carry these feelings for the rest of my life. The following is my perspective on what being a father of a premature baby represents, and how it has changed and affected me over the years.
Every cold, fever, cough, runny nose, tumble, strange movement and sometimes even certain lighting, will make your heart race, regardless of the severity.
Expect parents of healthy full-term babies to think you worry too much, are too concerned with what and how much your baby eats, are obsessed with cleanliness, fret over the temperature her room too much and spoil her with too many gifts and too much attention.
Somewhere, deep inside, you will lose some of that “toughness” you had before your child was born. If you were never a big cryer, you can expect some tears once and a while, sometimes triggered by what is seemingly the most insignificant event.
Many of your peers and other parents will grow weary of hearing about how difficult and traumatic your experience was. I expect that somewhere someone is reading this, rolling their eyes and saying “Oh Please! We get it. It was hard having a preemie. Now move on.”
Be prepared to experience the desire to somehow wish your own experience on them. Of course, none of us would vocalize this, and most of us wouldn’t really want it to happen, but it exists nonetheless. My advice: allow your mind to consider it for a moment, then dismiss it. As I myself could never experience the maternal depth of love that my wife feels for my daughter, I cannot expect anyone who has not endured the early stages of premature life to relate to it either.
You will develop a love/hate relationships with doctors, pediatricians, the whole medical profession. While they are amazing people and, in my case, helped nurture my baby girl to full health for almost two months while I stood helplessly watching, you will inevitably have had experiences with some of them that have made your blood boil. The simple fact of the matter remains that doctors, interns, nurses, etc. are human beings. I have yet to find a vocation in which every single member radiates a glowing personality. In my opinion, its OK to question them. Its OK to tell someone you’d like your child to be treated by someone else. Its OK to tell an intern that you think they are being cold and uncaring, and that perhaps there’s more to med school than big houses and fast cars on the other end. Ultimately, you will be affected by a poor bedside manner for the rest of your life. A physician will be affected by pointed questions, observations or requests for a few minutes. And you have a lot more to lose than they do.
Finally, and probably the hardest for me to deal with personally, you will be completely overwhelmed by the significance of your actions and the choices you make concerning your child. While I am sure that every father, regardless of the length of pregnancy, feels this, the care that she was given in the NICU and the qualifications of those giving it makes your own world experience and judgement seem almost laughable. I compare it to something I once read where convicts who had served lengthy sentences actually felt safer back inside the penitentiary rather than left alone on the streets to fend for themselves. There is no more support. No more advice. It is up to you and you alone, and that is a tremendous responsibility unlike any I have ever known.
After having spent my life desiring different material things, setting lofty financial goals for myself and striving for what I thought was important I know realize that there is only one true thing I want to be able to say when looking back on my life as a father and husband.
“I did a damn good job.”
Matt
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