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A while back, I posted about my perspective on raising my girl, Frankie. Another birthday has come and gone, and she’s not so little any more. We started The Playpen as a preemie blog, and like to think of it as such. But, admittedly, it has become more difficult for me to apply my own personal experiences with having a preemie to present day situations, especially since Frankie has overcome pretty much all health-related issues having to do with her pre-term birth. So I though I would write a little about my parenting skills over the last year. I found, that in doing so, Frankie being a preemie has affected my actions and still does to this day, both positively and negatively. I am very happy that our traffic has picked up, and that more and more people are coming here and reading about our experiences. I would like to invite anyone who has had a similar experience to share in our comments section…we’ll even take some advice. If there’s one thing I have learned, its that every day I am surprised about how little I know when it comes to parenting.
Things I Did Right:
1. I have encouraged her to learn on her own, and have made every effort to step back and deny my instinct to help her solve problems.
2. I have tried to teach her that she is capable of anything, and that she should be fearless and confident…even when she has to hold my hand doing it.
3. I have avoided baby talk, and made sure I don’t refrain from using my full vocabulary when speaking with her. As a result, I believe she is ahead of the curve when it comes to conversational skills.
4. I have exposed her to many different experiences, even when I think she might be afraid. I believe she should try everything once. If she is frightened by the car wash, she doesn’t have to go through it a second time. But I will ask her if she is ready to try again each and every time we go past it.
5. I have exposed her to various genres of music. This may sound like a minor thing, but it is not to me. Music is a great healer and a universal language that anyone, anywhere can understand. My own father did the same with me and I didn’t realize it until I noticed that not everyone can name titles from songs spanning classical, country, rock, rap, folk, doo-wop, punk, metal, choral, R & B, barbershop and big band. For whatever reason, I am proud when my daughter says “maybe we should listen to The Eagles” from the back seat.
Things I did wrong:
1. I spoiled her. I have created a child that not only expects to get a toy, a piece of candy or an article of clothing every single time we go somewhere, but demands it. Loudly. This is a hard thing to undo.
2. I let my fear of having another baby keep me from immediately wanting to have another one. Now, as my wife and I get older, the clock ticks and Frankie doesn’t have a sibling as I and my wife both do.
3. I was too soft. Not quite the same as spoiling her. She has become a demon. She is demanding, stubborn and bossy. I still catch myself getting her juice cup for her when she tells me to…even when its sitting on the table right next to her.
4. I let her watch too much TV. It started with Baby Einsteins, then grew into Franklin and Oswald, and now even includes Dora (God help me) once in a while. This is pure selfishness, as its the only time I can get a moment to myself. In the end, this will not be good for her and as she grows older I feel it will be harder and harder to keep her from watching more.
5. I am not consistent. Sometimes I am very short with her and have no patience. Other times I can speak in a calm voice and guide her in the right direction all night long. I fear that this type of inconsistency has seeded an almost frantic personality in her at times, and its this characteristic that is the hardest on my wife and I. We have friends who are very calm and controlled seemingly all the time. Inevitably, so are their children. Our child is, well, like us. Loud. Angry. Defiant. I worry that she may end up being a bully at school because of this.
How do we know what is right and what is wrong when it comes to raising our children? Many people will say “go with your gut”, but thats not good enough for me. By the time I realize I have been doing something incorrectly, its too late because Frankie has already developed traits associated with my error. Sometimes I am even guilty of procrastination when it comes to correction, thinking “I will wait until she is old enough to reason with me, then fix this.” News flash, dad. She was old enough a long time ago.
Matt
Visit our online boutique for the latest in fashion and fun for preemie through toddler
June 5th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Your honesty is reassuring. I have three kids under four and hardly have time reflect, but I think I have made a few of the same mistakes and different one. thanks for sharing.
June 6th, 2008 at 4:38 am
Just stumbled upon your blog via McMommy. My little girl was a preemie too. She is now 7 months old and fit as a fiddle. She was born at 34 weeks and weighed 4 llbs. Definately a surprise! Just wanted to say I can relate to not having any clothes for her when she first arrived. If only I knew about your site at that time. Now I can share it with any one else who is in this situation! Thank you!
June 6th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
It’s interesting to read a dad’s blog for a change. We all do the best we can as parents, good and bad.
June 7th, 2008 at 3:22 am
Music is so important…I think it’s so cool that both my boys LOVE themselves some Bob Marley and let me know so! And the tv thing? You are SO not alone! It’s the only way I can get some things done around here.
Fantastic POW, Matt!
June 10th, 2008 at 4:17 am
Just wanted to comment on how beautiful your blog and family are. I love the preemie clothes they are so cute. I wish I knew you guys when I had my preemie in the hospital. I was always looking for something for her to wear. We found some things but not as cute as what you guys offer!!! I have a 24 weeker so we were super tiny. Just wanted to post that real quick!! We are also in California. Orange county though.
Melissa
Mommie to Dillon 5 and Caitlin 2.5 (24 weeker and surviving twin)
June 10th, 2008 at 9:02 am
My first visit to your lovely site. I love camping. I think camping negates at least 2 of the “things [you think] I did wrong”. Just that you think about your parenting will help you, your wife and Frankie. Thanks for sharing so much of your life.