This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 26th, 2008 at 9:56 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
We have reached a milestone in my daughter’s life. Tomorrow, she starts school. Granted, its preschool, but this particular school goes all the way through eighth grade so, for all intents and purposes, today will be the last weekday she spends at home with Aline, barring holidays and sick days.
Naturally, I have found a way to twist what some other parents would see as a monumental and joyous occasion into a dark and twisting vortex of worry and over-analysis. Don’t judge…it’s my way.
Even before I had a child I was aware that children are tempted by drugs and alcohol at a much earlier age than I ever was. According to the SAMHSA, many kids start drinking in middle school, and one out of every two 8th graders has tried alcohol. So that means that by the time my daughter is thirteen, when she brings home a friend from school one of them will have hit the bottle. And Talking with Kids states that the average age by which kids try marijuana is 12. That’s an average, people.
I personally tried alcohol for the first time at a party my junior year in high school, and didn’t even touch weed until I was about 24. Why? Because my parents were all over it. I was terrified of drugs. I believed that my face would melt off like the guy from Raiders if I even came near a bong. According to them, they never took drugs, they hated them. My mom hadn’t even tried a beer until about 20 minutes ago, and that made her so sick she almost died. They never backed down in their story; whether it was truth or fiction we believed it. At least until we were old enough to start making intelligent decisions for ourselves. And this concept, the sentence I just wrote, is what concerns me the most about kids, drugs and alcohol. If I had tried them at that young of an age, would I have had the sense to limit their use, as I did when I was older? Would I have known to put the twelfth beer back because, just maybe, I would miss work the next day if I drank it?
I don’t think so. I think I would have simply latched onto how cool they made me feel and gone after that feeling over and over again, making more and more bad decisions and ultimately ending up with a life that is not quite as nice as the one I have now. I didn’t have the limits that we learn to set for ourselves through experience. I had no “off” switch.
By contrast, there is the technique employed by parents of some of my friends growing up. Let your kids know about your experiences, particularly the bad ones, with drugs and alcohol. Put yourself on their level. Show them you understand. Illustrate to them how bad misuse at an early age can be so that they may benefit from your mistakes. If you are upfront and honest with your kids about your own experiences, they will respect you that much more for it and will avoid getting tangled up in the whole mess altogether.
One of the things I love the most about The Playpen is your comments. I love the immediacy of the medium. I am always completely interested, surprised and sometimes even shocked at the diversity of responses we get to our posts, even if it is still only a handful. That being said, I would love to hear which method you have, or intend to employ when trying to keep your kids safe and healthy throughout their adolescence. Upfront and honest about your own alcohol and drug experimentation (I know, I know…there ARE some of you who truly haven’t used either, but that would completely ruin this post!), or as an old boss said to me a long time ago, “Lie Lie Lie, until you can’t lie any more! By the time they figure out you were lying, they’ll have the sense to make their own decisions.”
Matt
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August 26th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
I just try to keep all the sensitive subject topics on the table at all times. Sex, drugs, whatever…it just comes up, and we just talk about it.
I will be telling my kids that I’ve never done drugs (true) because I have two holes in my heart and drugs would kill me (double true) and that my heart condition is hereditary (false) and that they very well may have the same problem (way false) so they’d better just stay away.
And then I will tell them why they’ll never meet their Aunt Beaner (you remember that post, right?) and hope it scares them as much as it scared me.
Mr Ladys last blog post..Recovery, Paging Doctor Biden
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August 26th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Matt,
Man, you make me nervous about this and my daughter is only 7 months old! And trust me I have a flare for the dramatic too. Talk about a vexing plague to have. Anyway, I’ll have to give this some thought because I’m not sure which method we’ll use. My parents were very open about their experiences and I respected/felt comfortable talking about anything and everything with them. On the other hand, my husband’s family doesn’t talk about anything. Good thing we have a bit of time on our hands. Now the sleepless nights can begin!
Heathers last blog post..Another month
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August 27th, 2008 at 1:15 am
Yea!!! I got in earlier this time – I’m feeling this strange competitive edge for getting my comment in early. Now why is that? I’m also feeling alittle crazy responding to, yet again, one of your future fears for Frankie. You need one of Aline’s margaritas to calm you down, Friend.
Next, read my page on Reading Research. Data degrades over time ~ meaning the research you just quoted may have no meaning by the time it really applies to Frankie.
Next, read the blog Slurping Life today for a post on lying to your children, for more ideas on how to practice doing that.
How did your friends whose parents were honest turn out?
You know what I’m gonna say next….I support whatever decision you make for your child.
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August 28th, 2008 at 12:10 am
This is a tough one for me to answer. I’m not one for censorship/control or bending the truth. Though, there are obviously things that contradict what I’ve just said, such as Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy and so forth.
My wife and I have talked about this general topic, and we’re hoping to take it day by day, in the sense that our children’s maturity level will determine the reasons given for why they should abstain from drinking/drugs/sex until they’re more mature and responsible.
I started having some beers very occasionally when I was in junior high. The only drug I’ve ever taken was weed and even then, it wasn’t until my junior or senior year in high school. I’m betting my chips on being able to honestly tell my kids about my experiences with these things.
I know I can’t control what they do, just as my parents couldn’t control what I did, but at least we as parents can prepare them ahead of time and let them know the bad (and good) things that come as a result of those choices.
We, ironically, just had this talk with my 15-year-old sister-in-law a couple of months ago because she was asking questions about these things. I guess that was a good “trial run” of this future conversation with our kids.
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August 28th, 2008 at 2:39 am
Twelve year olds are smoking weed??? Are you serious? How would they even know how to go about buying pot? I am truly shocked at that statistic.
I only drank once during high school (college was another story!) and the only drug I have tried is marijuana…again during my college years. My high school had a very strict no tolerance policy. Anyone caught using alcohol, on or off of school property, was not allowed to participate in extracurricular activities. I had such a fear I would be kicked of the cheer squad or softball team that I did not touch the stuff. I think that with my kids, my plan is to instill some type of similar fear in them.
As far as disclosing to my kids what we have experimented with. We drink wine at home occasionally and also live in a very social neighborhood where margaritas in a neighbors driveway on a Friday night is a common occurrence. So at this point, she would not buy that I have never tried alcohol. But I will probably maintain to her that I did not drink until I was 21! As far as admitting that I have smoked pot…no way!
Jennifers last blog post..Back to School, Back to Blogging
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August 29th, 2008 at 12:55 am
Sweet bejeebers, I came over here for the first time and now you have me all freaked out that my seven year old is going to become a crack whore.
I think I fall into lie, lie, and lie harder camp, myself.
manager moms last blog post..I’ll Take Manhattan
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August 29th, 2008 at 4:32 am
Let’s just say I have had exposure to most things. Everything but alcohol came later in life, when I had relatively good judgment already. The hardest thing to do as a parent is walk the line between making something so taboo it becomes alluring and so ho hum, your kid thinks it’s ok. I was sipping (just one tiny sip each time) whiskey since I was 5, so I have always appreciated it as a ritual rather than someone to get drunk on. That was a good thing. I am the same way with my kid now. He gets to try a little beer or whiskey when I have some (and I mean the smallest little finger dip!). With drugs, I will definitely frame them in a negative light. However, rather than hammer the fact that drugs are “bad” I am hoping to get my kid into really athletic endeavors that would be jeopardized by smoking or drugs, so that he has a “cool” alternative to not doing them. Like drugs would prevent him from doing well in those things that he likes. It’s all about providing a healthy alternative, like when you give a toy drum to a kid when he’s banging on your good cookware.
BusyDads last blog post..Cheers, MiniMan!! You’re 30.
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August 29th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
My husband and I talk about this all the time. I grew up in a pretty wild family, as far as drinking- my parents were open with their experiences, but discouraged us from trying. Fact was, they drank often and were normal and successful. So my brother and I started drinking and smoking weed in high school and continued through college. I continued until I became a believer in Christ, and trusted in His death on the cross for the forgiveness of my sin. It was such a burden off of me.
My husband on the other hand, grew up in a pretty conservative family, not legalistic or judgemental, they just didn’t drink in front of their kids. They raised three awesome children who didn’t touch or taste alcohol until they were of legal drinking age. My husband didn’t try it until we started dating. Their parents were very open with them and talked to them about the consequences (they also were very honest about sex and how emotionally scarring it can be for a young woman to have sex outside of marriage).
My husband and I drink wine and beer several times a week (not to get drunk) and my three year old is FASCINATED. Why is it just for grown-ups? We are planning on not consuming in front of our kids (as soon as we finish off the wine my dad bottled and the case of beer my husband has) and to honestly tell them both of our experiences.
It is scary, I am just hoping that investing in a good relationship with each of them and strong communication will foster a healthy and wise attitude.
Another family that has raised five very wise, healthy and emotionally sound children gave us the advice to spend quality one-on-one time with each child monthly or weekly (if you only have a couple kids). All five of these adults have PhD’s or master’s degrees and are raising their own families. Btw, they raised them in Miami (not in a small po-dunk town).
Tynes last blog post..Thank You For My Lord, Thank You For My Fashion
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August 27th, 2009 at 10:17 am
[...] I was feeling pretty good about myself. Who would have thought that a guy who was so nervous about sending his kid to school a year ago would turn out to be such a pro? Funny how life [...]