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Does anyone remember Sniglets? Rich Hall came up with them for an old show called Not Necessarily The News, then released a whole mess of books. The premise was simple: words that should be in the dictionary but aren’t. I loved ‘em. Bought every book.
After spending over three years with my daughter, I have found myself constantly repeating the phrase “GOD, that’s annoying when she does that. There ought to be a Sniglet for that!” So, I thought I’d give old Mr. Hall a nod and try to come up with a list of my own.
Dorabandonment – The sudden realization that your toddler has left you watching a loud, repetitive mind-numbing cartoon by yourself for the last 15 minutes.
Vacatious Interruptus – The uncanny ability for a child to develop a violent cough, runny nose and high fever the day before the “mommy and daddy weekend getaway” you’ve had planned for months.
Aviashit – Any massive and embarrassingly obscene bowel movement expelled by your child on an airplane within the 30 minutes during ascent or descent when no one is allowed to move from their seat.
Vox Parvis – A disease affecting adults with children that causes them to unknowingly continue singing children’s songs loudly in the car with the windows down long after they have dropped their offspring at preschool. Symptoms include public humiliation and questioning looks from strangers.
Monkey Steals Plums – A series of debilitating martial arts moves made popular by young Shaolin Monks whereby a child climbs rapidly onto her father’s lap, then brutally grinds an elbow (about as soft and round as a ball point pen) into his nether-regions. Can be performed on mothers by changing the pressure point to the chest area.
Gelatantrum – The fit of hysterics exhibited by a toddler, usually in Target, whereby loud screaming, spitting and overall spastic behavior is accompanied by complete loss of internal skeletal structure and increased body weight, prohibiting the parent from standing the child back up on its feet, lifting it, or walking it out of the store to privacy.
Olfactic Mile – A unit of measure used to gauge the distance a toddler can insert its finger into one nostril.
Divine Wind – The unseen natural, biologic force powerful enough to completely obliterate and destroy tidy living rooms and dens seconds after they have been cleaned. See also: Pediastorm.
Urilatency – The delayed decision of a toddler to decide he has to go to the bathroom one additional time after teeth brushing, book reading, puppet show, lying in bed, pulling up covers, turning off light, whispering good night and beginning to close his bedroom door.
Urilaziness – The temptation by the parent to exclaim “Oh, just do it in your bed”, when experiencing “urilatency”.
-Matt
Why not check out our online baby boutique, RedSparks or some cool toddler holiday gifts? No. Really. Why not?
December 6th, 2008 at 12:48 am
You are killing me over here, dude. KILLING ME.
Mr Ladys last blog post..I Already Have My Two Front Teeth
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December 6th, 2008 at 1:20 am
I know my wife and I suffer Vox Parvis, but it doesn’t always happen in the car. Love your descriptions.
Chriss last blog post..The birth of a flag— the "short" story
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December 6th, 2008 at 3:15 am
[...] Original post by Grounded Fitness [...]
December 6th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Urilaziness? Bwahahaha. Oh just pee in your bed. Ahahaha. Awesome.
Misss last blog post..3rd Edition: Things That Need To Be Said
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December 6th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Too damn funny! I knew there had to be words for some of this behavior! I need a name for when my daughter flat out kicks me in the nurtz while playing.
Tyler @ Building Camelots last blog post..101 Things I Love About My Awesome Wife
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December 6th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Excellent words. I can see them creeping into my vocabulary.
WeaselMommas last blog post..Thursday Tidbits
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December 6th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Is it sad or reassuring that I bwahaha’d every one of these?
And I’ve been a victim of Dorabandonment many a time, along with its related crime Legobandonment.
BusyDads last blog post..This Is Not a Real Post
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December 7th, 2008 at 2:44 am
Very funny list…but you forgot (3)
Itchus Poopus- Your little one walks right past you with a beautful smile. The all too familiar whiff of poop quickly follows. And finally, as they pass, you notice a hand right smack down the backened of the diaper…scratching ‘that itch’
Itchus Faltus Poopus- Same scenario….your little one walks right past you with a beautiful smile. You quickly get a whiff of poop as they pass…and innocently ask “Hey buddy, did you make a poop?” At that point, your child stops right in his tracks…very clearly realizes the question he’s been asked….reaches back, and quickly shoves his little hand down the back of his diaper. “No daddy” he answers. But you know better….ah yes, you clearly know better.
The 48 Hour Shiner- Sitting in an executive meeting at work, suit cleanly pressed with your best designer tie. As lunch is served, you note how delicious the green salad looks. As you raise your fork to take a bite, you get a very CLEAR whiff of the baby poop you KNOW you cleaned off your hands two days ago. You try to fight off the smell, but it’s there…and it’s not going away. I mean C’MON, I wash my hands ALL THE TIME……..where is this poop coming from???? Can’t I just enjoy my salad??
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December 7th, 2008 at 3:35 am
Vox Parvis=the reason I no longer ALLOW preschool music in my car. Really.
Koris last blog post..The Email I Actually Sent
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December 8th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Teeheehee! Clearly we share some hobbies. I particularly like the post after this one.
If you live near BD…then that must mean you live near where I live(d)! I am totally down for a southern Californian style stakeout–you know, with In-n-Out Burgers and all. Man, I miss those.
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December 8th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
I thought I was the only person still alive and warped enough to remember Sniglets. Just the other day, I saw some woman get in the express lane with what was OBVIOUSLY more than 10 items, and I thought, “Expresshole”.
Missives From Suburbias last blog post..The Five Things Meme
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December 9th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Damnit I wish I had thought of this list. That would have eaten up at least 1.5 hours of my community service. You sir are a genius.
Donny Ruths last blog post..I know a song by Don Henley and Bruce Hornsby called "End of Innocence." That was probably based on the events that are about to unfold.
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December 11th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
your online store is great!!
i swear i am going to pee my pants reading your blog!
andreas last blog post..Happy December
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December 14th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Hehehe, those were hilarious! If I ever need anything named, I’m coming straight to you.
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January 6th, 2009 at 1:44 am
I love sniglets! and those, those are pretty damn funny!
Rachels last blog post..Easy Crab Stuffed Mushrooms: Mouthwatering Monday
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