This entry was posted on Monday, January 5th, 2009 at 7:18 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
My daughter hasn’t turned four yet, but having just officially started up my 2009 today, I thought this would be a good time to write a continuation of a couple of posts I did a while ago. It is my experience that people change a little around the first of the year. They have new outlooks, new goals. They have conviction and inspiration. Relationships strengthen or weaken, depending on their value. All in all, a new year ushers in a period of reflection for most people, followed by a period of action. I am no different. And I found myself thinking deeply about my role as a father this morning, and what my daughter and my relationship with her have meant to me over the past year. Today is my fist day back to work. Same for my wife. Frankie still has a few days off from school (is it just me or are the kids these days getting WAY more time off than we ever got?), so I dropped her off at the in-laws. We had just wrapped up two glorious weeks together, one of the longest breaks from work I have had in a long time. It was truly terrific, capped off by a frightening trip to Chuck E. Cheese yesterday, which incidentally marks the first time I have ever lost my daughter. But that’s another post.
Frankie was unusually quiet in the car. I assumed she was a little tired, but it still seemed a bit out of character for her. When we were about five minutes away from Grandma’s, she said softly to me: “Daddy? I don’t want you to go.” My outside reaction was a smile and some positive-parenting response about what a terrific time we all had and that I would see her this evening, followed by some rhetoric about having responsibilities and making sure that the time we DO spend together is as much fun as possible. My inside reaction? CRUSHED. The truth is, I didn’t want to go either. I’ve decided that I am NOT one of those people who would “get bored” being at home with my family all day, every day. I could do it every day of my life and love it. Breakfast, pajamas, music, games, newspapers, coffee, laughter, dancing. All of it. And the truth is, its only been a couple of hours and I miss her terribly.
I complain a lot. I complain about the routine. I complain about cleaning up spills and whining. I complain about having a junky SUV that smells like a month-old McDonalds 10-piece instead of some luxury car. I have even been known to complain about not having enough time to myself. Sometimes even the best dads need a kick in the ass. So today, when she fell and skinned her knees on the way into grandma’s house and I left her there with tears drying on her cheeks after the biggest hug I’ve gotten in a while, I got mine. She is my whole life, and I think that’s what being a father is really all about.
See, my wife Aline is currently about three-and-a-half months pregnant with our second child. This is the first time I have ever announced this news, and I actually debated whether or not to do it for a long time for two reasons. The first is fear of the “Great Jinx”. Yes, Aline made it past the 12-week milestone. But Frankie’s rocky birth and subsequent health issues have left us extremely gun shy and negative about the entire experience. Sure, we got a beautiful and healthy daughter out of it in the end, but the whole journey was simply less than rosy.
The second reason is that I have been a little unsure about how I myself have felt about it, and haven’t done very well with sorting out my feelings regarding a second child. I think I really want one, then I worry about the strain it will put on us. I get excited about doing up a new baby room, then I worry about how to pay for an extra tuition. I have been on the proverbial fence and it has kept me less than enthusiastic regarding the whole issue.
But this morning, as I left my daughter and reflected back on our experiences together over the last two weeks, I suddenly felt sure. Remembering her singing to herself quietly at the table while putting stickers on construction paper. Recalling the joy I felt when we wrestled one morning on the bed and her whole body shook with laughter. Sitting here typing with a quiet heartache while wondering about her little skinned knees are all signs that point to the same basic self-realization.
I LOVE my daughter. I LOVE being a father. And I am really. TRULY. Looking forward to doing it again. Hang in there, Frankie. We’ll get you a little brother or sister yet, you’ll see.
-Matt
January 5th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
I’m glad to hear it. You’ll keep having those moments; hang on to them, brother. You’re going to LOVE having two, I promise.
Mr Ladys last blog post..Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them
[reply]
January 5th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I think we all tend to worry when it comes to the unknown. Good luck with the second, I’m sure she will love having a sibling to kick around.
Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)s last blog post..Moving without moving
[reply]
January 6th, 2009 at 12:15 am
Geez… I’m in tears here. So beautifully said! Congrats to you, your beautiful wife, and to Little Miss Frankie, big sister extrordinare!
Misss last blog post..Weekly Winners [Dec28/Jan03]
[reply]
January 6th, 2009 at 1:36 am
I cam here via Miss and wow. That was SO beautiful.
[reply]
January 6th, 2009 at 2:39 am
Congratulations Frankie’s family! I am very happy for you all, and will keep you in my prayers.
[reply]
January 6th, 2009 at 2:57 am
a.) CONGRATULATIONS!!!
b.) I was so nervous about having a second one too. But you have no idea what you are in store for…the absolute BEST feeling in the whole wide world: Seeing Frankie hug/kiss/love her new baby brother/sister. WILL MELT YOUR HEART!!!!!
c.) I can imagine how scary it’s got to be being that you know the NICU experience. If it makes you feel any better, my sister-in-law just delivered two happy healthy twin boys!! 34 weeks and only 10 days in the NICU! (She delivered my other niece & nephew at 25 weeks.) The boys did so fabulous and were breathing room air from the minute they were born. Miracles do come true and prayers do get answered!
[reply]
January 6th, 2009 at 4:26 am
SWEET GIBLETS!!!
Matty is having a baby. Well, Matty’s wife. Congrats to the three of you.
May this pregnancy be easy and your child beautiful, happy and healthy.
You will be in my prayers. Well, okay…YOU won’t, but your wife and unborn babe will be, Matt.
Wink.
[reply]
January 6th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Dude, how’d you get so lucky? My car smells like chicken nuggets, feet and a touch of urine (we have no idea how it got there). What is this luxury car thing you speak of?
In all seriousness, congratulations! It will all be okay. As a matter of fact, it will be great!
[reply]
January 6th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Big, huge congratulations to all of you! My first was 5 months old when we learned I was pregnant with the second so there wasn’t much time NOT with two… but the relationship between the two of them warms my heart every single day.
Beautiful post and you all are in my prayers for a happy, healthy, full-term pregnancy…
JessieLeighs last blog post..I Love White Flour
[reply]
January 6th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Congratulations man! I truly hope that your wife and child are healthy and I can’t wait to hear about it later on.
As I read this post, I felt like I had written part of it…your words left my head shaking “yes” over and over. And let me tell you, I was worried as hell about having a second child. One is pretty easy…two will make you forget how to type…how to speak…how to do almost anything because it’s hard work.
We pay so much money to daycare now, almost as much as our mortgage but I’m constantly amazed how we pull it off every month. We made some pretty big changes, plus we paid off a couple of bills and that helped immensely. Remember how you thought you’d never be able to pay for the first one? It will work out somehow.
It is amazing to watch your oldest love and share things with the little one. Our oldest doesn’t share with ANYONE yet she’ll share some precious Tinker Bell toy with her little sister.
It will be all good man! And, I haven’t forgotten about the TN Squire thing
Tyler @ Building Camelots last blog post..How To Add Icons To Your Thesis Alert And Note Styles
[reply]
January 7th, 2009 at 1:26 am
Hey Matt, I read y’all’s story…we just had a boy who was 6 weeks early. Surprisingly, he actually weighed just over 5#, so he didn’t have to go to the NICU.
I hope everything goes smoothly and well with Frankie’s little brother or little sister!
father muskrats last blog post..why i’ll never again drive my car on a BMX track
[reply]
January 7th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
This is an absolutely beautiful post. I know that every time I was pregnant, the same fears and worries would come up, and with this last one, totally unplanned and yes, let’s face it, unwanted-well, it took me a long, long time to choose to be happy about it, to take that leap of faith that says YES, I want this. Congratulations to ALL of you for that huge leap of faith.
Koris last blog post..Snippets of Updates
[reply]
January 7th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Awww…you’re such a good dad! Having the second child is SO different and I was on the fence about having another for YEARS. I just had my daughter 5 months ago and although I didn’t think it was incomplete before, I KNOW our family is complete now.
Congrats!!!
Nicholes last blog post..I think I have Schizofrania
[reply]
January 8th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Aw, congrats! I’m betting it will be wonderful all the way around because you are clearly daddy material.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..I’ve Got Answers
[reply]
April 20th, 2012 at 10:24 pm
Thank you on your sensible critique. Me and my neighbor were just preparing to do a little research about this. We were a grab a magazine from area library however i think I learned more with this post. I am very glad to look at such great info being shared freely available on the market.
[reply]