This entry was posted on Monday, March 30th, 2009 at 11:30 pm and is filed under Family Stuff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
My wife has been really tired lately and I have been trying to pick up at least some of the slack. For whatever reason, when she’s tired I feel tired too. Maybe I have sympathy pains…who knows? Either way, when I get tired, I get dumb. Here’s a little parenting anecdote that took place in my life recently, just in case you don’t believe me.
I walked into the house after a hard day at the office and was hoping to have a few moments to sit down and relax before starting the evening routine. I instantly saw on Aline’s face, however, that she was hoping for the same thing, having been with Frankie all day. Do you know how to play poker? When there’s a pregnant woman in the house her tiredness is a full house, kings high, and your tiredness is a pair of threes. I said nothing and folded.
She went to lie down in the TV room and I started working on preparing dinner. Frankie would be getting a true gourmet feast this evening: fish sticks and peas. I popped them in the oven, opened a beer, put on some classical music and started fixing my lunch for the next day. After about 20 minutes the timer went off and I opened the oven door to remove the fish sticks. It was at the very moment that I was being blasted in the face with deep-fried, palagic heat that I heard a blood-curdling scream from the general direction of my wife’s sleeping body. It was Frankie, and something was terribly wrong.
In my haste I forgotten that the oven had been set to a balmy 450 degrees and took a firm death grip on the baking sheet inside with my bare hand. I drew my breath sharply through clinched teeth as I felt the skin on both my middle and index fingers fuse directly to the white-hot metal. I whirled, swearing loudly, and instinctively heaved the baking sheet, fish sticks and all, twenty feet across the kitchen, where the entire mess exploded as it hit the wall into a mushroom cloud of grease, breading and processed grouper. Whiskey, our household dog, immediately ran into the room and began eating the smashed maritime snack directly off the floor. Still worried about my daughter and distracted by the searing pain in my fingers I shouted “get away you don’t eat that now!” over my shoulder as I ran into the TV room where my daughter was crying.
I gasped as I saw what was taking place. My wife was propped up on one elbow on the sofa, having just been woken up, and was angrily blurting “What What? How that?” in a clearly confused and disoriented state. My daughter had apparently taken it upon herself to attempt to use her pink princess potty, which sat directly to the right of the sofa, by herself and had failed miserably in her attempt. While I am not exactly sure how it had happened, it seemed as if she had managed to get poop virtually everywhere except in her potty. It was on the carpet, on the seat of the potty, on the corner of Aline’s blanket and, oh dear god, was it on my daughter. I lunged for her as she was attempting to run away from the carnage, trailing poop behind her like a rooster tail behind a JetSki. As I grabbed her I heard my dog begin to vomit from the other room and felt my stomach churn a little. Apparently five fish sticks in 10 seconds is not a good thing for a canine to ingest. Hurriedly I reached for wipes and began scrubbing my daughter vigorously the way someone might scrub a radiation exposure victim. While cleaning my daughter, I once again became painfully aware of the third degree burns on my fingertips and felt them begin to throb. Instinctively I popped them into my mouth in an attempt to cool the pain, the way one might momentarily suck on a paper cut.
I froze, fingers still in mouth, as I began to taste something strange.
Slowly my facial expression began to change from determined intensity to a grotesque mask of disgust and abomination. I pulled out my fingers and looked at them. There, on the tip of the middle one, was poop.
I have gone thirty-six years without ever having tasted human feces, and in one split second it was all over. The entire scene shifted into slow motion as my face creased with misery and I let out a long, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”. The room began to spin and I started to feel dizzy and nauseous, bile rising in my throat. I gasped for air, but immediately regretted it as the smell of poop, fish sticks and dog vomit mixed with a taste sensation the likes of which I have never before experienced caused my stomach to lurch and my head to swim. I rose and began to sprint to the bathroom as quickly as I could, already knowing I wasn’t going to make it. I covered my mouth in an attempt to squelch my own regurgitation and accidentally smeared what remained of the poop that had been on my charred middle finger onto my left cheek. As my bare foot squished into something warm and wet on the carpet I lost control of my stomach, tears streaming down my face, wailing into the air. Everything went dark.
When I came to my wife had woken and dealt with most of the mess. I tore off my clothes and spent the remainder of the evening curled up in the corner of the shower with the water running, sobbing ever so slightly. Sometimes, late at night, I can still smell it. I can still taste it. Its as if I am doomed to live that horrible evening over and over again as payment for some terrible wrongdoing I had committed in a past life.
You can prepare yourself all you want for the trials and tribulations of parenting but I can tell you this. No one. ever. Can prepare you for the taste of poo.
-Matt
You never know when something like this could happen to you. I suggest stocking up on spare baby clothes just in case at our online boutique, RedSparks.
March 31st, 2009 at 1:57 am
Holy rooster tail of poop Batman! I have helped raise 5 children and I can honestly say I’ve never tasted poo nor have I worn it like war paint. Sure its been on my hands but that just means I’m not afraid to get a little dirty to keep them from getting a lot dirty.
I believe I can recall the evening this happened to you. It was eerily quiet for about 20 minutes and somewhere in the darkest space of time I could hear a father weeping. Glad to see you’ve recovered. You have recovered, right?
[reply]
March 31st, 2009 at 5:23 am
This is where I SHOULD say something sympathetic but where I will in all actuality laugh at you until it hurts.
WAIT til you have two, dude. Just you wait. I drank vomit once.
[reply]
March 31st, 2009 at 5:27 am
I still don’t know why another person’s misery can be so freakin’ hilarious, but your story had me crying tears both tears of pity and those born of a belly laugh.
Maybe you can put a positive spin to your therapy sessions that you’ll undoubtedly need after this experience by knowing it entertained at least a few people.
[reply]
March 31st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe that Mr Lady is laughing. I was nauseous before reading this and am now going to be sure I am near a trash can for the next few minutes.
At least you have proven that you’re a great story teller who does not leave any detail out…
[reply]
April 1st, 2009 at 12:01 am
Sorry, I’m with Mr. Lady on this…freaking hilarious! My apologies Matt, but this is quite funny. This is like looking at car accident as you drive by….you know it’s awful, but you just can’t help looking. I sincerely hope you never have this experience again.
[reply]
April 1st, 2009 at 12:40 am
Can.barely.keystroke.mid-section.vibrating.wildly.
Breath.
(breakthrough) LOL!
Breath.
Darlin’, Matt. Thank you. I needed that.
Gentlemen Commenters, I’m with (most) of you.
I think my first comment here was about a year ago….telling you, Matt, that camping made up for at least two of your supposed parenting failures. I hope you read my recent post on camping. I am certain you will be inspired by the TED link in my top post.
I am soooo glad to hear Aline/baby are well-enough to recover from NORMAL parenting mishap. Except, WHY is the potty in the tv room? Since the potty is clean, you could place it in the bathtub. Just an idea.
Request: sneak the due week into the next post, eh?
[reply]
April 1st, 2009 at 6:01 am
Your dogs name is Whiskey? That is freakin awesome.
Now what else were you saying?
[reply]
April 2nd, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Holy hell. Best thing I have read in a loooooong while. Yeah, yeah, sorry, feel bad and all for you but damn. Really.
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I just had to come back by and read this again today. I might have to read it a couple of times next week, too. Thanks again for the laugh, ha ha.
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I’m sorry to laugh at your expense but this brought tears to my eyes. Between the dog puking and the baby poop, I couldn’t stop laughing out loud. You aren’t alone because in the world of parenting, whether it’s one child, two or more, Murphy’s Law reigns supreme.
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I can honestly say you have me beat! I have had some fairly traumatic baby excretion episodes, but this BY FAR is above and beyond my own horror stories! Thank you for the laugh. I commend you as a daddy, and hope you never have to experience anything like this again!
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I cannot tell you how hard I am laughing right now. No seriously.
I just finished reading another POW post where the couple had sex and didn’t know their kid was hiding in the room.
And now I read this.
I AM DYING LAUGHING!!!!!! All of these stories should be packaged up as birth control.
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Oh, you painted such a lovely picture…yuck!
I’ve never tasted poo, but my daughter ate some of hers once…oh, parenting is fun, isn’t it?
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Oh, I’m so sorry for you. Just so, so, sorry…
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Followed McMommy’s tweet to your post and boy was it worth the read. I laughed out loud so many times I’ve lost count. What an outrageously funny experience (in hindsight of course ;o)
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I hate to laugh at your misfortune, this being my first visit an all, but ye gods that was easily the funniest thing I have read all year. And I’m hard to please.
You can’t make this stuff up!
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:50 pm
You win. No one will ever top this. Ever in the history of the world.
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Suck it up wussy boy! this smacks of the time I stepped barefoot in baby poop, in a chewed up diaper (boxer) then on to the boxer’s vomit, at 3 am trying to grab a projectile vomitting baby, oh yeah, some got in my mouth and I was 4 months pregnant with all-day sickness (morning what?)
However, I have never put poop in my mouth, you win.
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:05 pm
That is the WORST story from the parenting front that I have ever heard! Bless McMommy for tweeting the link to this piece of comic gold. ;-D
And, ahem, after reading that I HAVE to give you an award. I just created it and sent it out into blog-land and it has YOU written all over it. Check it out— The Trainwreck Award. http://tinyurl.com/cnylyn
I’m so happy to have found your blog!
Rock on.
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:12 pm
OH. MY. GOD.
I am here by way of McMommy and I don’t know whether to laugh hysterically (ok, I already am), or cry for you.
That, my friend, is one stream of bad luck . . .
As McMommy said, definitely packageable as highly effective birth control!
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Oh MY GOSH that is so funny. I wish I could write like this. That was so great. I so needed that. I just forwarded this post to about 20 people in an email which I NEVER do. Now I have to go change my shirt because I used it to wipe off all the mascara that was running down my face from laughing so hard. Cheers! – the above mentioned sex w kid in the room Mommy
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Now I hate to rain on your parade, but I, too, have eaten poo… I’m with you – it is something I will never forget and NEVER repeat. And just in case you wondered why, I thought it was a chocolate biscuit! Here’s the post http://emilybassin.blogspot.com/2009/03/this-takes-biscuit_09.html
You are hilarious…
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Boy did I need this laugh today!
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:46 pm
I hated to laugh at your pain, because I know that I would still be rinsing my mouth out….but damn was that funny
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:48 pm
OMG, I am crying, crying, crying….through my laughter. No fish sticks for us tonite!
Hope your fingers are okay..
[reply]
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Oh my God. I don’t mean to laugh about you accidentally eating poop… but I do. So. Funny.
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 1:49 am
I’m soooooo sorry to laugh at your expense, but I so needed that today! Wishing you never have a day like that again, and if you do, you blog about it for the rest of us
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 3:43 am
I just washed my mouth out with Listerine. Twice. Just from reading that.
Thank you for working through the trauma to deliver an awesome story. Seriously, it’s the best laugh/cry I’ve had in a while.
(And thanks to McMommy for sending me here!)
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 9:45 am
I’m laughing so hard my sides ache-yet I can identify with this! It would seem raising children and ‘advenures with poo’ go hand in hand! (No pun intended!) I could tell you many a story of my daughter’s mishaps and artwork-and her poor father’s VERY weak stomach! I thought the poor guy would never recover from the trauma!
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
oh my……… oh my…. the visual….
I have NEVER tasted poo and HOPE TO GOD I am NEVER in a situation such as that….
I hope you dont need therapy for that! YIKES!!!!!!!!
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
You write so well that I have a weird taste in my mouth right now. Ugh!! Going to get a drink!
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
OMG I’m crying! I’m not laughing at you just with you! holy shit that was awesome.
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
This story needs to become mandatory reading in high school sex ed. It will eradicate teen pregnancy forever more.
Actually, scratch that. It may eradicate the entire world.
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Thanks for sharing this, you wrote it so well and for a minute I had a bad taste in my mouth. Came over from McMommy’s, looks like a site I will subscribe to!
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Sorry that you (chuckle) had such a rough (chuckle) night. Thanks hehehehe for hehehehe sharing hahahahaha! ROFL
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
OMG I’m crying here. HOLY COW is about all I can say!
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I just had to come back and read this again. Just for fun. To be sure, my husband will be reading this after work. We also wont be having fish sticks for dinner.
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
I’ve read people saying “LOL” – I’ve even used “LOL” myself. But I have never ever ever until now actually laughed out freaking loud at a blog entry. I’m sorry for your misfortune but OMG – ROTFL!!
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Damn! I just woke up my sleeping husband with my laughing. No attempt to stay quiet worked. I only hope that sharing the link can make up for it.
(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Your poop story trumps mine. I fold.
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Wow that is horrible! The way you told it, hilarious!
[reply]
April 4th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Here by way of McMommy. I am laughing so hard I am crying. I am laughing so hard, I made my 3 month old cry!
I’m so sorry for your bad day. :-l
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 12:28 am
I don’t know if there is an award they can give you for enduring such horror and living to blog about it, but if there were, I would totally nominate you! This is hilarious! I’m yelling for my husband to come in here and read this right now!
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 2:32 am
That’s why I don’t have a dog!
First time reader Matt. And what a hilarious way to start me off, though I am sorry it had to be such an crappy (pun intended) experience for you.
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 2:35 am
Do they have counseling for that? Wow, I’m SO, so sorry. Maybe hypnosis would help. I would have to at least try if it were me! ; )
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 2:47 am
couldn’t have worse than a mcrib, right?
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 2:50 am
My husband wanted to know why I was crying. Couldn’t get the words out. The he read it.
Excellent. You made both our nights. In a been-there-almost(never tasted poop)-done-that kind of way.
Sorry for the experience. But look how many people you have entertained!
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 3:16 am
I don’t think there’s any kind of therapy that can take care of that trauma
Perhaps a strong liquor? Lots and lots of strong liquor.
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 3:36 am
Oh my God, I am laughing so hard there are tears streaming down my face. you poor poor man!
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 4:11 am
It’s all so wrong that I can’t believe that it’s true.
It’s amazingly horrible.
All of it.
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 6:48 am
oh my . . . i am so sorry . . . i have done the burn thing- only i grabbed the handle of a skillet that had been in the oven, twice . . . and while i have no desire to touch poo, i worry more about being peed on while diaper changing (i am guessing that is inevitable, though) – good luck in your recovery!
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Oh, ouch, my stomach hurts from laughing. Sucks to be you. So sorry. It made for a helluva funny blog post, though.
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I’d say something appropriately sympathetic and reassuring, but I’m laughing too hard.
Does a sympathy vomit reflex count?
[reply]
April 5th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
That is just way too funny. I know I have experienced a lot of those (except the poop) but never at the same time. Sure hope that everything turned out fine after all that.
[reply]
April 6th, 2009 at 12:54 am
My favorite part: rooster tail.
[reply]
April 6th, 2009 at 3:42 am
Wow…perfectly good fish sticks. What were you thinking?
[reply]
April 6th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
LMAO! This post is priceless!!!!!!!!!
[reply]
April 6th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Oh my goodness – I’ve never laughed so hard. Poor thing! I hope that things are better now – does your wife tease you about it constantly? I can see that happening at my house, but being brought up constantly as a reminder.
[reply]
April 21st, 2009 at 6:27 pm
OH MY LORD…. Now THAT is a REAL TMI Thursday!!!
http://www.livitluvit.com/search/label/TMI%20Thursday
[reply]