This entry was posted on Friday, April 24th, 2009 at 1:00 am and is filed under Family Stuff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
It’s been four years.
Fours years ago I stood next to my daughter’s isolette staring down at her tiny delicate hands bathed in the early morning sun streaming through the hospital windows trembling, teary-eyed and more scared than I have ever been in my life. My favorite NICU nurse, after watching me for a minute, told me I should sit down and put my head between my knees for a moment as she had seen the color slowly draining from my face.
When I stood back up and looked around, my daughter was four. It happened that quickly. I have never seriously considered this blog to be anything but a way to express myself, promote our business from time to time and perhaps make a handful of people laugh once in a while. Over the past couple of weeks, however, some friends of mine have opened my eyes to the fact that my daughter may actually read it someday. If she does, maybe she’ll stumble across this post.
Dear Frankie,
You have tested me. Oh dear god how you have tested me. You have pushed me to and beyond limits that I never even knew existed and you have driven me say and do things that I will always regret. I am nowhere near the perfect father. I have snapped, yelled, been overly-harsh with you and have even attempted to keep you from doing things that, I realize now, all little kids should be allowed to do because they simply won’t matter in the long run. For all of this, I am sorry. I only do them because I honestly believe you will be better off for them later and I swear to you I have always meant well.
But you have also changed me. There is something inside me now, deep in my chest, that guides me through life and helps me make the right decisions and choices based on what you would want and what you would expect and will expect from me. I try to be as compassionate for all other people as I possibly can because I want you to be proud of me. I try to be honest and trustworthy because I want you to be that way too. I try to provide as much security and as many options for you as I possibly can, because I want you to have the entire world available to you when you’re old enough to choose your own road; I am positive you will choose something amazing. I try to be the best husband I can be to your mother because I want you to see how you should be treated by a man someday and to never, ever, settle for less because you think that’s just how things go.
I try, sweetie, I really do.
Now, on your fourth birthday, we are perched on the very brink of a major change in all of our lives. Your baby brother will be coming along very, soon, and you have been so patient and amazing about that. But I am not ready to give you up yet. While I couldn’t be happier about having another child or any more certain that his arrival will complete our family and give you a lifelong play partner and soul mate, I’m not ready to give even one bit of my heart to anyone else. You were my first and you will always be my first. You made me whole. You made me a man.
You’ll open your gifts today, eat ice cream cake and ride little roller coasters until you’re sick to your stomach, but I’m giving you one gift that you probably won’t know about for a little while, until you happen upon this letter. My pledge that I will die trying to repay you for all the gifts you have given me.
Happy birthday, my beautiful girl.
Love,
Your eternally devoted daddy.
April 24th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
This is an amzing post, and you are an amazing dad. But don’t tell anyone I said that, will you?
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April 24th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
This almost brought a tear to my eye – very well written and straight from the heart. Wish her a Happy Birthday from Memphis and I hope she has a great day!
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April 24th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
[...] over to Matt’s site, The Playpen, and read his heartfelt letter to his daughter who turned 4 today and wish her a Happy [...]
April 24th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Beautiful. Keep a close eye on her – the next few years will pass just as quickly.
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April 26th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
This is the best post I’ve ever read! I actually had to wipe away a tear. Your daughter will definitely appreciate this one day. What an awesome gift to receive from your daddy.
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April 27th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I’m siting at my desk crying. I can’t wait to send this to my husband. You write beautifully.
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