This entry was posted on Thursday, May 14th, 2009 at 10:13 pm and is filed under Family Stuff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
I don’t like to be around my daughter.
OK, most of the time I do, but I’ve definitely come to terms that I am the kind of dad who is a better parent if he has some time away from his kid. I’ve also realized that not everyone is like me. There really are parents out there who devote every minute of every day to their children and, not only do they not complain about it, they seem to enjoy it! Weird, huh? Well, too bad. I’m not one of them.
I’d say I’m comfortable with being a dad about 85% of the time. The other 15%, I want to be Matt. This could mean going out for drinks with friends, checking out monster truck magazines while sipping a 40oz Diet Coke at 7-11 or just chilling out in front of the TV secretly watching What Not To Wear while letting my wife think I’m watching Monster Garage. Whatever the case may be, I need that time.
While she would never admit it publicly, my wife is the same way, although perhaps not to the same degree (she’s more of a 92% girl), and its taken us almost 4 years to realize that its OK to be that kind of family. Its just how we are, and we are better now that we’ve come to terms with it.
So we’re getting a nanny, and I’m a little freaked out about it.
It seems that we’ve spent the last few years complaining about not being able to go out or not having a weekend away once in a while, then sort of making a decision that we needed help, then relying unsuccessfully on my aging in-laws for it and getting upset at them when it appeared things would have to conform to their schedule rather than ours, then finally deciding to enroll in a nanny service and start interviewing potential candidates; the whole time not really thinking about what that actually meant.
Now, we’re not looking for a full-time, live-in kind of a deal. We just need some help. Both of us work, there’s another baby lurking in the wings, and neither one of us gets any sleep as it is. If we keep this up without any support whatsoever, one of two things will happen. Either the house will be quarantined and declared a natural disaster by FIMA or Aline and I will one day soon decide to simply lie down in the middle of the street together and wait for the FedEx guy to come.
Just a person who can keep the kids entertained, do some light cleaning and maybe even cook once in a while. That’s it.
But as I flip through a pile of printouts on my desk of the people my wife has chosen, read their bios, look at their photos, and actually think about someone else taking care of my child, I can’t help but wonder. Is this the best thing? A week ago I would have flatly stated that there was no alternative and the decision was final. Now, as I envision a stranger picking up my child from school, or wandering around inside our house alone (oh lord, please don’t let her look in that drawer) and having virtually unlimited access to our whole life I admit I am a little worried. How do I know it’s the right person, and how do I know I can trust them? Sure the agency has a screening process, but terrorists can fool TSA into letting them onto a multi-million dollar airplane without blinking an eye, I’m sure a bad apple squeaks through the air-tight security of a babysitting agency once in a while. What if we make a mistake?
I’ve worked through the logic. We don’t have family who can help. Neither of us can afford to not work. We both agree that some domestic assistance is gravely necessary in our particular household. But I think fear of the unknown is what has truly prevented us from taking this step for so long, and now that the time is here, we’re faltering.
Although I’m rambling a bit, I am still sure this is the right decision for Aline and I. Following the few times we have been able to get away for a lunch or a movie alone we are infinitely more patient and forgiving, and much better parents to our daughter. I just want to be sure we get this one right.
If anyone has made it through this stream-of-consciousness diatribe of mine, and has any experience with this type of situation at all, I’d love to hear from you. Apparently it’s a little more complicated than asking your neighbor to feed your fish while you’re out.
-Matt
The economy has completely turned around. Just go buy something at our baby boutique already, will ya? We have a lot of our spring stuff AND preemie clothes on sale!
May 15th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Oh how I wish we could afford a nanny. I would love to be an 85% or even 95% dad, but currently I’m in the 100% range.
[reply]
May 15th, 2009 at 1:13 am
We’ve never been two-full-time-employed parents but for those periods where I was employed p/t after the children were born we did the gamut of childcare including one summer with a nanny; 4 hours/day/5 days/week.
We used an agency and the nanny worked well for us. (This was 15 years ago before TSA.)
Four years prior (19 years ago) we did not choose a nanny situation because of concerns for no other ‘eyes’ – just the nanny and the baby in our home.
You are a bit of worrier, Matt, but not without reason for the risks you mention exist. Only you can decide what the risk potential is for your home and family.
Even a 4-year-old can/will give you an indication if there are problems. Have you considered video feeds from home to work?
I like that you are willing to get help (for Aline). I’m on blog-baby watch over The Playpen. Stopping in often. Remembering you all in my prayers.
[reply]
May 15th, 2009 at 3:17 am
My oldest daughter has some special needs and my little one just turned 6 months old. It didn’t take long for us to realize, shortly before the little one was born, that WE NEEDED HELP. I’ve had someone in my home about 40 hours a week for the past two months, and it is absolutely a Godsend.
I’ve struggled with the idea that I don’t spend as much time with my older daughter as I did before, wondering if I’m being a good mother. But I recently realized that because our helper is able to keep the dishes at bay, help prepare my older daughter’s special meals, take her to the playground when I have to put the baby down for a nap… I am a *better* mother for it. I’m a better mother to the baby, who finally doesn’t have to wait and wait and wait (crying) for attention because I have to attend to her older sister’s needs. And I’m a better mother to my first daughter because I get a break, and because I can spend quality time with her instead of ignoring her for meal-preparation.
You’ll find the right person. And you’ll find it was the right decision.
All the best.
[reply]
May 16th, 2009 at 4:58 am
We’re kind of in the same boat and finding that family or support is very important ourselves. Most of the reason behind the move to the west coast.
I’m finding I’m in that 98.2% shifting down and up as needed. I hear ya though, we’ve been trying to figure out how we get our social lives back just a little (we just saw a movie for the first time in 14 months, no I’m not making that up and now we swear Star Trek was the best movie ever made!) Striking that balance is pretty difficult, maybe you could give us some pointers on how you and Aline manage?
Plan B of course is cashing out the ol 401k moving to the Phillipines and taking advantage of the 1 to 45 exchange ratio for the rest of existence!!
[reply]
May 17th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Boy, have we ever gone through this…It’s so difficult, wanting to be there for your children, and yet, needing some space.
There is nothing at all wrong with bringing in someone to help you. In my opinion, it’s absolutely necessary, so that you can keep your sanity. It’s all a matter of balance.
There’s no good or bad in this, no white or black.
Just make sure you interview these people really well. And make sure it’s the right fit.
Not sure if I’ve helped any. Hope I did, if only a little…
[reply]
May 18th, 2009 at 12:32 am
oh, i’m with ya there! i’m likely up around 70-80 percent though. i think it’s healthy to get away for you and the children.
[reply]