The Playpen

It occurred to me recently that before I became a father I got hurt a lot less. Like all guys I did suffer my share of nicks and bruises as a wee lad but, possibly due to the fact that I was younger, they never seemed to linger as long or be as painful as the ones inflicted on me now. The following list is intended to serve as a resource for new fathers so that they may not only look up the specifics of their particular injury, but also how long they can expect to be out of the game as a result.

1. Shin trauma. A particularly painful injury to the shin bone caused by placing all of one’s weight on the knee while attempting to drive the base of a child seat into the back seat of an automobile, thus ensuring a tight fit. While injury is suffered immediately, pain and discoloration will not set in until the following morning. Expected recovery time: 4 Days.

2. Ruptured Bushel Basket. Can be caused by a number of situations, the most common of which is a toddler making a sudden attempt to get up while sitting or laying on one’s stomach, forcing a razor-sharp elbow deeply into the unprotected groin area. Sharp, searing pain is usually accompanied by weird stomachache similar to what one might feel while suffering from diarrhea. Expected recovery time: 1 – 2 hours.

3. Shiner. Typically inflicted by younger children with underdeveloped gross motor skills. Caused by a sharp, unannounced blow to the cheekbone or eye socket from an infant seated on ones lap looking at photos on the computer. Expected recovery time: 1-2 weeks, depending on severity and strength of child.

4. Biceptual Asymmetry. More a chronic physical condition than injury, Biceptual Assymetry refers to the comical look a father develops after two years of carrying his child in his car seat in the right or left hand exclusively. Usually identified by hulking, enlarged bicep on one arm, typically 300-400% larger than the opposite bicep. Expected recovery time: Never.

5. Flop Toe. An inflammation of the skin directly between the large and middle toe of the foot caused by toddler repeatedly following too closely and stepping on the heel of one’s flip flop while playing “chase” around the house. In severe cases, lesions or abrasions may be visible, and can lead to much greater and more serious injury should victim be caused to fall. Expected recovery time: 2 days if flip flops are put away.

6. Stinger. A sudden, electrical stabbing or pinching pain in the Sciatic nerve or the muscles along the spinal column. Stingers are most-commonly caused by attempting an activity with one’s child that one was unaware that they could no longer perform. (i.e. Wiffle Ball, dancing or running). Expected recovery time: 1-2 months.

7. Bjorn Back. A dull, throbbing pain across the Latissimi Dorsi muscles of the back present in those individuals who attempt to “simplify” their daily routing by wrapping their infant in a cocoon-like device called a “bjorn” and strapping them to their stomach. May be treated with Epsom salt bath and heating pad. Expected recovery time: 4 days.

8. Legoscopy. Not a injury, but a medical procedure performed in complete darkness, usually while crying at 3AM on the corner of one’s bed that involves meticulously removing a razor-sharp Lego from the sole of one’s foot which had previously been deeply embedded into skin by putting one’s full weight onto said Lego on the way to the bathroom. Estimated recovery time: 5-7 days.

9. The Spins. An unexpected physical state of confusion, disorientation and nausea, usually accompanied by the realization that the little roller coasters in the children’s section of the amusement park are far more violent and back-wrenching than their adult counterparts. Estimated recovery time: May be treated instantly by spweing into a trash can and eating a baked pretzel.

10. Eustachian Obliteration. A temporary, ringing and painful loss of hearing in one ear caused by any piercing shriek of a toddler over 150db while holding child in arms. Other symptoms include dizziness and headache. In rare cases, canines may be affected. Estimated recovery time: 20 minutes.

-Matt

Cool kids Summer clothing on sale now at our online boutique, RedSparks.

1. Kori Says:
   July 9th, 2009 at 9:02 pm

   I curse those baby bjorn things; I don’t care who the hell you are, they suck and they make a person hurt. Just saying. Also, beware of those cheap plastic dollar store squirt guns, too-because when you step on them, the SPLINTER.

   Should I be concerned that you are a guy writing about the guy parts of being a parent and I relate to most of what you write?
   Kori´s last blog ..Protected:

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2. VegasDad Says:
   July 9th, 2009 at 10:07 pm

   I think I’ve suffered from every single one of those listed. Being a dad is one of those high-risk jobs. It should be one the list of “Most Dangerous,” like Alaska crab fishing.
   VegasDad´s last blog ..creative discipline

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3. Mr Lady Says:
   July 11th, 2009 at 7:23 am

   Sad but true, man. Sad but true.
   Mr Lady´s last blog ..We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Hiatus For A Bit Of Regularly Scheduled News

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4. Barbara Says:
   July 12th, 2009 at 7:49 pm

   Woohoo! when did you start the BlogHer ads?
   Barbara´s last blog ..Promoting Oral Function Through Therapeutic Techniques

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