This entry was posted on Monday, July 13th, 2009 at 9:27 pm and is filed under Family Stuff, General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
My son, Dominick, is six weeks old. In six weeks, I’ve really only referred to him a few times. Most of what I have been writing about recently has to do with my relationships with my daughter and my wife. I was thinking about my post today, and feeling slightly guilty for not having mentioned him that often. Too much longer and people might start to think I don’t care at all. I arrived at the conclusion that I have once again fallen into The Baby Gap.
I try to be as open and honest as possible in my writing. I find that by lowering my guard a bit and being forthcoming with people I tend to deliver better content. At least I believe it to be better. The Baby Gap is just about as honest as it gets. The truth is, I don’t really have that much to write about my boy because I’m just not that into him yet. Now I am certain that if I had spoken what I just wrote in front of an audience I would have heard a collective “gasp” rise from the crowd. Perhaps even have been pelted by a few rotten tomatoes or old heads of lettuce. You’re not really supposed to say that you’re not into your kid, are you? It makes you cold and insensitive. A bad parent. One might even question your upbringing. But I do not believe myself to be any of those things.
To put a finer point on it, The Baby Gap is my term for the period of time from birth to around six-months-old where I feel completely disconnected from my children. I fell into the gap with Frankie, and I am in it again with Dominick. I watch my wife, Aline, sitting with our son on the couch, speaking to him quietly and looking lovingly into his eyes and shake my head because, as much as I would like to, I simply don’t feel it yet. I have not carried him inside me for the last nine months. I have not had to get up to feed him every two hours for the last one-and-a-half months. And I have not yet experienced any form of real interaction with him aside from changing diapers and cradling him in failed attempts to calm his crying while I wait for mommy to get into “feeding position.” We do not have a bond.
This might sound terrible and, to be honest, with Frankie I thought it was. I thought it made me an awful father and I honestly believed, as I read others talking about how much they fell in love with their children “the second they looked into their eyes,” that there was something wrong with me and that I would never really engage her emotionally. I was afraid that I would become one of those distant and hard-edged dads who never really become close to their kids because I just didn’t feel anything. I was supposed to feel something.
Then one day, out of the blue, Frankie looked at me and smiled. Not a faux-gas-smile, mind you. A real smile. Then she rolled over. Then she sat up. Then she laughed. Then she crawled. Then she hugged me. Then she walked. Then she made me a drawing. Then she made me laugh. And, last night, she said sweetly to me
“I love you, daddy. Sweet dreams. I’ll see you in the morning,” rolled over under her little comforter and went to sleep as I pulled the door to her room closed for the night.
It would be the understatement of the year to say I felt something.
Do I find myself in The Baby Gap because I am male, and require more visual stimulus to create an emotional response than my wife? Or am I there simply because six weeks isn’t really enough time to get to know anyone, even your own child? At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Because tomorrow I will turn around and catch a fastball from my son, tousle his hair and throw him up on my shoulders as we laugh and play in the sunshine, and I will feel something.
For now? I’m A-OK with that.
-Matt
Did you know my daughter was a preemie and that’s why we started our online boutique, RedSparks? Check out our preemie clothes. They’re cute.
July 13th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
You and My husband would get along famously. He also is QUITE familiar with the Baby Gap. He thought our babies were fine and all…but when I’d tell him to “watch” the baby while I took a shower…and I’d lovingly hand over our tiny miracle of life to him….he would stick the baby in the swing and go back to what he was doing. And I’d get all mad and say “But you have to spend TIME with him!!” And he’d roll his eyes at me….as our son was out like a light from the swaying motion of the swing.
He was right. New little babies just don’t do much.
The boys are older now and he tells me this is the best age ever. He takes the boys to the beach, plays chase with them in the backyard, brings them to the airport to watch planes land. He is their best friend.
And so we say good-bye to the Gap….and welcome the new Gap….the one where mommy has no idea how to “shoot down bogeys” aka play with airplanes and race cars and other crazy boy toys.
p.s. Am I the only one who came over here thinking you were going to write a whole post about The Baby Gap….the store in the mall??
McMommy´s last blog ..Did Not Get the McMommy Seal of Approval.
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July 14th, 2009 at 1:06 am
Matt-Fear not…this happens to us gals too. I think my Anna is SO MUCH cooler now than she ever was at what we like to refer to as the “blob stage.” Heck I’m even thinking about not having another one because of the baby gap. Ohh and to McMommy, yes I thought it was a post about the store.
Heather´s last blog ..Pee pee in the potty!
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July 14th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Not to worry. What you speak of is completely normal. The honesty is refreshing though, and it’s good you worked through it.
Missy´s last blog ..Lets Talk About S e x pt.1
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July 14th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I am still waiting to feel that with my middle son, and he is 10. Don’t feel a bit bad. Not really, I am teasing about that, but I really do think that the whole “bonding” issue is one that simply should not BE an issue. It happens when it happens, be it immediately or later on-and I don’t think it makes any of us lesser parents or people in general. Even moms I know, the BEST moms I know, have all experienced that to some degree-IF they are honest.
Kori´s last blog ..A Melancholy DAy
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July 14th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I’m A-OK with that, too, Matt. You two sure look cute together. And photos of you with him in the ‘gap’ will have meaning for him later, too.
Just keep doing what you are doing. I know you will.
Barbara´s last blog ..A Perspective On Blogging
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July 17th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Thanks for this honest post. No, you certainly are not alone in your Baby Gap experience. Here is what one of our dad’s recently posted about the same issue: http://newsmomsneed.marchofdimes.com/?p=4030
And then one day, when you least expect it, there it is.
MoDLin´s last blog ..Pool water is cool but can harbor bugs even with added chlorine
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July 21st, 2009 at 12:51 am
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September 2nd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
So true- I often say that I loved my son the second he was born, but I wasn’t in love with him until he got a personality around 6 months. Until then they’re just little balls of need.
Cat´s last blog ..Single Mom Books
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