This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 4th, 2009 at 10:30 am and is filed under Family Stuff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
I read a report a few years ago that found that Los Angeles tap water is some of the most contaminated water in the United States. Among millions of other things, the group that performed the study found large amounts of antidepressants and estrogen in their sample. Clearly, I have not been drinking enough water because yesterday I acted like the very worst kind of being on the planet. A man.
It’s taken me years to come to terms with the fact and admit that testosterone and I do not get along well. The last time I let it consume me and alter my behavior I was drunk on many shots of tequila and talking copious amounts of trash to my buddy in an impromptu, 2:00 AM street football game. I got so wrapped up in it that I ran smack into the back of a parked car running a post route and hurt my leg for a week. It was at that point I decided maybe I’d be better off painting or writing poetry or something. Machismo just doesn’t suit me.
Yesterday was a very difficult day. Our newborn son had apparently decided that he had no interest in sleeping, eating or sitting quietly and staring at his baby chair rattles and had booked his day planner solid with screaming and whining. This in and of itself doesn’t really bother me. What I did let get to me was how my wife handled it.
Aline and I have been in a pretty good place as of late. Our relationship could be described as turbulent at best, but I honestly believe that most people who see us together envy the fact that, when we are not at each other’s throats, we are very much still in love with each other and enjoy hanging out, even after being together for 14 years. However, two straight months of having a baby scream in her ear got to her yesterday, and she slipped back into that zone of negativity that she visits once in a while. This has a profound effect on me. I need to have positivity surrounding me in my life. If those around me are not happy, I am not either. I’m like some kind of human processor interpreting signals from people all day long and reacting to them immediately. It’s a curse.
The day progressed poorly with my wife in a terrible mood, my son screaming non-stop, and my daughter throwing tantrums and whining. By the time Aline and I were ready for bed, everyone was in pretty bad shape and I was admittedly seeing red. At about 11:30, after she had fed him and put him down, he immediately began screaming again. I lost it.
“Get your blanket and go sleep on the couch so you can’t hear him!” I barked at my wife. “This baby is going to LEARN to sleep on his own!” She slunk off to the TV room to get some sleep and I laid down angrily in our bed, determined to let my boy cry until the frikking cows came home if that’s what he wanted. I stuffed my feet under the sheets, turned my back on his crib and covered my head with a pillow in an attempt to drown out his wailing. After about 20 minutes, I lost it again and yelled at him.
That’s right. 37-year-old Matt yelled at two-month-old Baby.
I don’t know what I expected him to do. Did I think he would see the rage in my eyes and say “oops?” Did I expect him to think Oh, CRAP. Dad’s really mad, dude. I’d better shape up or I’ll lose my Wii for a week? The little kid can’t even focus yet and I yelled at him. What an awesome dad. A true role model.
This morning I woke up, made my coffee and sat outside in the early dawn thinking about it for a long time. A little sleep late in the night had brought some semblance of perspective back into my feeble mind and I felt ashamed. I had behaved not only like an idiot, but like a child.
The thing about my role in this little universe of people I spend my days and nights with is that I am the buffer. I know this. Before children, I was the one that could always calm Aline down. I would talk her out of the tree, make her laugh and restore that balance to her Libra life she so desperately needs. After children my role remains the same, but has intensified. I’m the guy who comes home to a frustrated and exhausted wife and two screaming children and makes hot dog bites, gives horsey rides and cheers everyone up. I strive to be the kind of man who’s wife can’t wait for him to get home in the evenings because she knows that things will just calm down and be more fun when he arrives. This is what I do, and this is what I love to do.
Last night, I slipped and, as you can tell from the beginning of this post, I took the blame off of myself and placed it firmly onto Aline’s shoulders. At the end of the day it was not her fault because that is not how we play the game. My job is to be there. All the time. Both physically and emotionally. Not only was I not, but I behaved much like the two-month-old that was causing me the grief to begin with. I gave up my post at the gates of AngryLand and I led us all right down Main Street. I was stupid and weak. So help me god, it ain’t gonna happen again.
-Matt
August 4th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Oh, god Matt, you beast. You had a *gasp* normal human reaction? ANIMAL.
There’s a reason they use sleep deprivation and the Spice Girls as torture methods. Remember that.
I have yelled at every baby I ever had at least once. I’ve locked myself out of houses, I’ve had full on temper tantrums, I’ve stood in the middle of rooms and cried. And guess what? EVERYONE MADE IT THROUGH.
Don’t be so hard on yourself or Aline. You guys are really great parents, I know this for a fact. Let yoursel have this experience, for better or sleepier.
Mr Lady´s last blog ..Or Maybe I Just Suck
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Matt Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
@Mr Lady, Thanks. And you’re right. After reading this post again I feel like I threw Aline under the bus. That was not my intention. She has been AMAZING and is, of course entitled to get frustrated. Who wouldn’t? I just have this stupid thing where I want everyone to be happy all the time. I am nothing if not, realistic, huh?
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August 4th, 2009 at 11:35 am
I remember the first time I yelled at my son. He was probably a month or so old. Then I broke and begged and PLEADED with this tiny little thing to JUST STOP CRYING FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND PLEASE OR MOMMY IS GOING TO LOSE HER FUCKING MIND. It didn’t work for some reason. When they are little like that, they are really crappy listeners.
You’re doing this the best you can. Both of you. Some days, we crack. We fall apart. But we get back up and do it again. Don’t know why, its just human nature. You and Aline, you’re pretty great people. I’m pretty sure you’ll get thru all this because you have each other.
Miss´s last blog ..Clair de Lune
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Matt Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
@Miss, Getting back up and doing it all again is totally what its about, no question. We’ll get through it for sure, and you’re right. If I DIDN’T have Aline I would have walked off a cliff by now.
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August 4th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I think the biggest accomplishment in parenting is recognizing our own mistakes. You made one. You made bad choices. You are punishing yourself- that’s your consequence to bear. The next choice to make is how to move forward. How to make amends and heal the rifts you caused. We can’t control anyone but ourselves and our own choices.
Then you have to stop beating yourself up and move forward. Learn from your mistake and do better the next time. Because parenting is all about being real and rolling with the punches and all that jazz.
Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..A Garden Report
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Matt Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
@Eternal Lizdom, I think I have a hard time with the “being real” part, and foolishly expect things to go smoothly ALL the time. Maybe I’m watching too much TV.
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August 4th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Oh, it most certainly WILL happen again; and you will kick yourself all down the angryland sidewalk and bash open those doors and then do the same thing you are doing now. One thing I have learned, though, is that is happens less and less as time goes on. The triggers don’t change-your and Aline’s on a personal level, nor the things Baby does that triggers rage-but how you react to those triggers does. In my opinion, anyway.
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Matt Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
@Kori, True. We are doing WAY better with this baby than we did with Frankie. I think a lot of that has to do with experience, and realizing what all the triggers are before they are pulled, you know?
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August 4th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
When my son was a few months old, there was an evening where he would not go to sleep. He was not hungry, or maybe he was (he was breast feeding). My wife was tired because she’s up all night feeding him.
I had stuff I needed to do, dangit. I didn’t have time for his crying and not being tired baby self. I was getting pissed that I could not get anything done. So, I laid him in his bed, I pointed at face with that stiff finger and I spat thru my teeth “I Hate You!!”
I instantly threw up in my mouth. I sat down on my bed, tears in my eyes, my heart broken with nothing left.
WTH did I just do? I picked him up and could not stop apologizing to him. I beat myself up for over a year about what I said to him. I felt I betrayed him and could not go out of my way to tell him I loved him and asked forgiveness what I said to him.
My wife had no clue. Until one night when I exploded during those times in bed when you’re trying to go to sleep and it’s the only time you get with one another.
That helped a lot. He has no idea what happened now. I don’t want to say that it’s ok to get mad at your kid, but I know it happens. But we have to ask them for forgiveness and then forgive ourselves..
Sorry I took so much space..
Eric´s last blog ..Another Vacation…
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Matt Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
@Eric, I really appreciate your honesty…it totally helps. It’s true that they will never remember a thing, but WE do, and that’s what makes it tough. Thanks for commenting.
Oh, and on my blog there’s no such thing as too much space. My margins are gigantic!
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