The Playpen

I had a whole organic, eco-friendly baby clothing press release post planned for RedSparks today, but something happened last night that forced me to bump it to a later time slot.

I received the Brookstone catalog in the mail.

I love the Brookstone catalog. I keep it by my bed and read through it over and over again until the next one comes. Some guys keep porn tucked away in their closets. I keep Brookstone catalogs. It’s chocked full of useful and innovative gadgets, contains brilliant photography and Photoshop image manipulation (I saw a white Pekingese pasted onto a plaid doggy bed next to a sliding glass door once that was so real you could swear you were right there in the shot!), and their prices are reasonable. From the moment I gazed in awe at the voice-activated television remote control, which I immediately realized would save me hours of time by allowing me to say “change channel up,” rather than having to go through the laborious chore of painstakingly raising my arm and pushing a button, I was hooked.

Brookstone rulez.

While practically every product Brookstone offers is a hands-down winner, I thought I’d take a moment and review four of what I call “Matt’s Platinum Brookstone Picks” from the Fall 2009 edition. These are products that are not only standouts, but that everyone can benefit from by having in their home. Click the thumbs for a larger image.

1. The Sona “Stop Snoring” Pillow.

Weighing it at a crisp $79.99, this pillow helps everyone stop snoring immediately by opening up your airway, allowing you to breathe easier. I myself have already ordered two, and expect to be sleeping deeply and quietly in no time. After studying the photograph, I realized there was an added benefit. Note that, in order for the Sona to function properly, you must sleep with your arm fully-extended over your head.

This means that, in addition to a good nights sleep, your feet will also hang almost a full yard off the bottom of the bed, allowing them to “breathe” in the chill night air and reducing offensive perspiration.

2. The Upright Bath Scale.

Another bargain at an affordable $249.95, this scale addresses a problem that each and every one of us faces every day. Let’s be honest, when you weigh yourself you don’t want your results to be subtle, displayed in discreet little numbers far away. You want the fact that you’re 75 lbs overweight to be right in your face. In the same manner a child might wave a new toy in front of a playmate, taunting him in a “nanny-nanny-boo-boo” manner, the Upright Bath Scale grabs you by the ears with its large 8-inch dial and screams “What do you have to say about THIS, Tubby!?” A must for masochists.

3. uGallop.

Probably the item I was most excited about on my list. Aline and I are always looking for ways to spice up our love life and, at first glance, the uGallop appeared to be the way to do it. Not only does it gyrate, pulsate and twist, but it comes equipped with 6-speeds, attached leather handle and stirrups. And, apparently, we would become more flexible while using it, improving our posture along the way. However, sadly, after receiving the uGallop in the mail and an entire evening of “No no no no….let me try to put my arm over…..wait….stop….stop, my back! Ok, listen, you lay over this way, then I’ll swing my leg this way and grab over…ow…OW…that’s my eye, that’s my eye, dammit!” I realized the uGallop wasn’t what I thought it was at all and sent it back. Turns out its like a piece of fitness equipment or something.

4. Manage Kids Screen Time.

An innovation so useful and so important to our society it doesn’t even need a name. “Device” costs $59.99 and virtually solves the only problem I have in my life: How do I keep from having to deal with the inconvenience and distraction of walking into the TV room and actually shutting the TV off after my kids have been parked in front of it for several hours? Face it, kids need their TV, and all my friends totally agree. But I don’t want to have to stop what I’m doing and give up 15 seconds of my valuable time when TV time is over. “Device” takes care of it for me, ensuring that I don’t have to interact with my children at all, freeing me up for important things like checking the mail for the next Brookstone catalog.

As you can see, we can all benefit from the Brookstone catalog in many ways. Much like philosophy or religion, Brookstone can open our eyes to new paths; new lives that we may have never before seen. It reveals doors to better places and provides us with support and relief from the monotony of the day to day.

Brookstone, you had me at hello.

-Matt

Whoa! I almost forgot! My contest! Eternal Lizdom busted out some serious culture and won herself our Sweetleaf Reed Diffuser, and Ye Olde Random Number Generator pulled up lucky numner “3”. Kori, you got yourself a rad $25.00 gift certificate to RedSparks, our online baby boutique! Well, played both of you!

1. Kori Says:
   August 6th, 2009 at 2:36 pm

   If I had the uGallop, I could totally be riding on it instead of doing a happy dance for having won. Sadly…I don’t, because apparently the Device turned off the tv right before that infomercial came one-and since The Clapper wasn’t working right, well, I couldn’t fight my way out of my deep restful slumber in order to write down the number so I could voice-dial to order a catalog. Sigh….
   Kori´s last blog ..In Which I Live Up To the Title of my blog

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   Matt Reply:
   August 6th, 2009 at 3:01 pm

   @Kori, LOL! That might be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe they DON’T simplify things!

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2. Eternal Lizdom Says:
   August 9th, 2009 at 4:44 pm

   The scale thing is really sad to me… because I figure it is really made for people who are so large that they can’t see their feet and, hence, can’t see the scale under their feet.
   Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..Coming Soon…

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3. JessieLeigh Says:
   August 14th, 2009 at 10:40 am

   You crack me up, Matt. Seriously. I read this post twice because it amused me so much- particularly the uGallop.

   I’m pretty sure I could make that uGallop work though. That could be why I had two babies less than 11 months apart…
   JessieLeigh´s last blog ..My Child Is A Cry-Baby

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