This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm and is filed under Family Stuff, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Everyone always talks about the cute and adorable things their children say. I admit, I’ve been a victim of surprise on one or two occasions as well when something unexpected has popped out of my daughter’s mouth. Usually, its something that I consider to be well past her years or education level, and my heart swells with pride upon hearing her say it, after which I will call my friends and brag about it for hours or until they hang up on me.
Last night was a bit different. You see, our daughter has figured out how to manipulate me. I’m easy. Doing so typically involves no more than a sad little face and a statement such as “But nobody will play with me, daddy.” Of course, whatever she is asking for at the moment inevitably has nothing to do with her sudden lack of friends, but she knows that she can probably get a Porsche out of me if she sells that one just right.
Mommy isn’t as easy. Mommy knows what she’s doing. Mommy is tough. Frankie hasn’t been able to crack my wife at all, at least not while they are in the same room together. Sure, Aline is consumed by heartache once Frankie has left the room in a fit of crocodile tears over not getting a Jolly Rancher, but she never lets her see it, and is a master of tough love. It’s a gift.
Last night, Frankie was trying to con her way into one more episode of SpongeBob before bedtime. She knew that Aline and I were both tired, and she knew she had a shot, as neither one of us had much energy left. From where I stood in the kitchen, I could hear her going into her pitch and stopped what I was doing, cocking my head to one side to listen.
“C’mon, Mommy. Pleeeeease just one more?”
“No. Sweetie. That’s enough. It’s time for bed.”
“Pleeease, Mommy? I won’t ever ask for one again. I promise.”
“You will ask again. Probably right after this one. TV time is over, it’s bedtime.”
“I won’t eat candy.”
“No.”
“I won’t cry and get out of bed.”
“No.”
“But Daddy said it was…”
“NO!.”
My wife turned off the television and several minutes of crying and whining followed until my wife, beginning to lose her patience, interrupted.
“Frankie! I’m very tired, and I want you to do as I say. Now, it’s very late, and you are going to be sleepy all day at school tomorrow. The TV stays off, we’re going to bed, and that’s final!”
Upon hearing that last line, I nodded my head in satisfaction, impressed that Aline was able to hold her ground so well on so little sleep. I started to walk happily down the hallway toward the TV room to put her to bed when I heard Frankie once more, this time in a strange, low-pitched, breathy voice.
“Your hair is sexy, Mommy.”
I froze mid-stride.
“Your mouth is sexy, Mommy.”
The color ran out of my face.
“Your whole body is sexy, Mommy.”
With that I felt a shudder run through my body and regurgitated slightly. Where the hell had she learned that? She’s four! And what is up with that voice?!” Was this some new thing that was going around at school? Had…oh god…had she heard me say it? I did have some tequila a few nights ago and, well yeah, I guess I…NO! It doesn’t matter! Something had to be done. She had to know that type of language wasn’t ok. Well, it is ok, but not for her. And she had to know how completely inappropriate it is to say something like that to your mother! This would end now and we would have no more of it starting immediately!
It was at that very moment, as I was about to round the corner, enter the TV room and rain fire on this den of debauchery and sin that I heard a very faint, yet familiar, “click”.
Mommy turned that TV right back on.
-Matt
RedSparks. We own it. We love it. Now you can too.
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:25 pm
SERIOUSLY WHEN IS THE BOOK COMING OUT???? I’m going to be the first one to buy it.
McMommy´s last blog ..If You Are Expecting Child #2, Please Take Note:
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Matt Reply:
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:44 pm
@McMommy, YOU’RE the one with all the connections, Miss Free McDonalds! Tell you what. you get me the deal, I’ll send you a copy for free. Signed.
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September 3rd, 2009 at 8:02 am
Who says you can’t learn from kids? Next time I want more TV, I’m going to tell my wife she is sexy. (Somehow I have a feeling this might backfire on me.)
BusyDad´s last blog ..Give a boy a cheeseburger and he’ll get a Happy Meal toy, teach him how to cook one and you’ll get a blog post
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Matt Reply:
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:12 am
@BusyDad, Right, as usual, dude. I tried that very same thing last night and ended up watching a Nora Roberts marathon on Lifetime.
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September 4th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Rad, now you know how to get what you want out of your wife. One smart kid.
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